Lessons From My Son

Since birth, my son Luke has had a quiet determination about him. He is good at pressing on, adapting, staying the course. He has perseverance. He had surgery this week and I have learned some important lessons from him.

Trust. Throughout the surgery and his painful recovery, Luke has never asked why. I think the reason is because he is only 3. At that age kids tend to trust what their parents say has to happen. Naturally, children that do not grow up in a stable environment have trouble with this. However, because Luke has always had 2 loving parents that have met all his needs, he feels no need to questions his circumstances. Our love has proved trustworthy to him. As I thought on this I wondered to myself why I sometimes have such a hard time trusting God. Hasn't He proved so much more trustworthy than anything? Has He ever failed me? Never! I don't understand all the things that happen in my life anymore than Luke, at age 3, understands why he needed surgery, and yet Luke trusts. Where is my trust when things don't go as I think they should?

Purpose in pain. Part of Luke's recovery involves medication to his ears that is very painful to him. Although his father and I know that the benefits of the medication outweigh the temporary pain, Luke does not know or understand that. He just knows that he is suffering. As I was praying for Luke last night, that he might understand why we have to cause some pain for his good, it hit me. How many times has God caused or allowed pain in my life for my good? Does He ever sit in heaven and say what I said to Luke, that it is really better to have pain for a moment than stay as you are for a lifetime? Just as I love Luke to much to refuse him the medication, God loves me enough to put me through the fire to refine me. God knows that there is purpose in the pain.

Rest in loving arms. Luke could refuse to be held after I give him painful medication but he understands something, I love him even though I am causing pain. He allows me to hold and rock him because he knows from experience that I love him and will comfort him. How often has God tried to comfort me in my sorrows, through His word, or friends, or a song and I have turned Him away? How foolish of me. There is a time to rest and God always provides it.

My faith is a lot smaller than Luke's even though he is a lot smaller than I. I could learn a lot from him and I pray I do. Lately I have struggled with my own pain and suffering. I have questioned and refused comfort. God still holds me though, He never waivers in His giving of rest, care or love. To quote an old Hymn that keeps coming to mind...

"A wonderful Savior is Jesus my Lord. He taketh my burden away. He holdeth me up, and I shall not be moved. He giveth me strength by the day. He hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock that shadows a dry, thirsty land. He hideth my life, in the depths of His love, and covers me there with His hand, and covers me there with His hand."

A diagnosis is not a definition...

Receiving a diagnosis for a chronic condition is an interesting thing. I have always been on the giving or supporting end of this, not the receiving end. I have a new appreciation for what some of my patients go through.

This week I was told I have fibromyalgia. It is good to have an explanation for how miserable I have been feeling, however it is not really what I wanted to hear. I wanted something far less permanent. I am still processing it all and find myself thinking about it way to much. There was the shock and then the grief and now the beginning of acceptance mixed with defeat. It is hard not just giving into this. I understand now why some people sink into great depressions and give up when faced with serious health issues. There is a large part of me that wants to lay down in my bed and not get up for a good long while. I guess this is the poor me part of the deal. I need to remember that this diagnosis is not a definition of who I am. It is something my body is experiencing. It can't control or define my life, unless I let it.

Spiritually I am accepting things well. I know that God was not surprised by this. I also know that God doesn't want this for my life. I believe that God wants only good for His children. However, part of living in a sinful world is getting sick. There is a verse however that has come to mind and brings hope. Even though God really wants his children to not suffer, He uses our time on this earth in a refining way.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:27-29

Reading the whole of Romans 8 is very encouraging. This world may throw a big curve ball at me however,

"If God is for us, who can be against us?"
Romans 8:31b

Amen and Amen!

Mama's got a new car

Introducing my new car, Max. I have waited 12 years for a new car and I am very excited.

Hope Deferred

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." -Proverbs 13:12

Waiting for heaven and a reunion there with my Savior, family and friends is for me a hope deferred. I have the hope, I could not survive without it, but the deferred part at times makes my heart sick. Right now is one of those times. The world makes me weary at times. Troubles, expectations, guilt, fear, accusations, illness and so on wear me down. Heaven calls to me, the King of heaven hears my pleas. He knows my name, he loves me and has promised to be with me until I do get to heaven.

What a day that will be, when my savior I shall see. What a day, glorious day, that will be!

Until then, a hope deferred is mine...

Friendship

God has blessed me with many friends over the years. Some have lasted for days, others years. Some friends, even though life events have made keeping in contact impossible, will last a lifetime. I am glad that true friendship lives in the heart. So in tribute to past and present friends who have touched me deeply, here are the qualities and blessing my friends have given me over the years, I pray to be as good a friend to all;

-Peace
-Love
-Joy
-Laughter
-Humility
-Faithfulness
-Kindness
-Patience
-Fun
-Honesty
-Encouragement
-Tears of joy and sadness, which both have their place
-Constructive criticism
-Precious memories
-Life
-Smiles
-Hugs
-Dependence on God
-Praise
-Self-esteem
-Thoughtfulness
-Strength
-Prayers

Of course my ultimate friend is Jesus. The Bible tells me that there is no greater love than a friend that would give his life for another. Jesus did that, not only for me but for the whole world. Jesus' friendship to me is everything listed above and so much more. He is my rock and my redeemer.

"How great the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure. That He would give His only son, to make a wretch His treasure."

Stumbling

A situation arose today that caused me to take a look at a verse that I had thought little of before.
"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God-" -1 Cor. 10:31-32

The first verse I have heard and thought of many times, the second part, not as much. Today I became aware of a situation in which I was causing someone to stumble. I do not know this person, and probably never will. However, that makes my actions, although completely unintentional, no less sinful. My heart is heavy in knowing that I so innocently cause such grief for a fellow sister in Christ. It matters not that I didn't wish this on her, it matters that I have cause great trouble in her soul. I wish to apologize, but never will be able to, she wouldn't accept it at this point anyway. So I cry out to God for forgiveness of my sin. I pray He will erase the damage I have caused. I pray I will be more mindful in the future of the affects my actions have not only on the people I know, but the ones around me that I don't.

In the same situation and yet on a somewhat different note (it's complicated), sin, even when left behind, still causes trouble years down the road. Choices made by this sister in Christ, only 3 or so years before, have caused deep insecurities and jealousy. I know first hand how sin, even when ended and forgiven, can have lasting affects on one's personality and relationships. Whether one sin or many, done in haste and selfishness (isn't all sin selfishness) can create lifetime ripples and affect people we don't even know. So this sister and I have unknowingly sinned against each other. However, I am so glad that through our mutual God, we will have forgiveness and spend eternity together worshipping our Lord. We shall see it clearly then, and only then.

Until then, I will have to move on, through a profound grief and sadness, ladened with many tears, to learn what God will have me learn. I must become more sensitive to His voice, His direction in my life. I must honor Him above all things, above all of my desires.

Thoughts of Mine

I haven't written much lately. So much of life seems routine and ordinary, nothing note worthy in my perspective. I guess that in light of the situations in this country, having nothing to write about is a blessing. Calm waters are a beautiful thing.

Of course things are happening, one of which involves many changes at work. Lay-offs and computer changes have created untold amounts of stress. I find myself in the role of an anchor. While the ship is tossed about I feel as though I am the one trying to keep everyone on an even keel. It is not that I don't feel tossed about, it is just that I seem to show some stability during the changes, that people have taken notice of. I know in my heart that God is the real anchor in my life. As I trust in him and lean on him, the changes seem more easily accepted and tolerable. I take my witness at work very seriously and pray often that I can maintain my sanity as a testament to God's presence in my life. I am so far from perfect though...

In other thoughts, that are wondering in my head, this country is really taking a wrong turn. I don't wax on about politics so my point is this; are Christians doing their part to understand the crumbling future of this country and raise their children to stand up in a world that is much different from the one we grew up in? As government takes control of more things and poverty grows, are we instilling values in our children to see them through a rocky future? A good life will not be handed to them. They are inheriting a country with rapidly diminishing freedoms, socialist movements, terrorists and rebels. This amongst great economic decline and absent moral standards. Are we teaching them how to stand up for the Kingdom of God? Are they learning that freedom is not something given but something fought for? Will they understand that accumulation of stuff will not get them happiness? My husband and I are trying to raise our children to be warriors for God. It is very likely in their lifetime that they will have to choose between God and freedom. My prayer is that I have so instilled in them a longing for heaven and a real relationship with their Savior, that they have no doubt whom they will choose.

This leads me to my homeschooling soapbox. Why would anyone deliberately choose to turn their children over to the government instead of teaching them at home all about God and his creation? Shame on us all that render onto Caesar the things of God, our precious children. Now this being said, I understand that in some circumstances there is no choice but to send kids to public school. Single working parents obviously have no choice. But we let the devil convince us that schools aren't really that bad, that I'm not patient enough or smart enough to home school. Of course there is the old steadfast argument that home school children are socially backwards. Those are lies and excuses. Raising children is a huge responsibility and I firmly believe that I will stand before God one day and give an account of how I raised my children. I want to be able to say that I taught them the things of God, that I trained them to finish the race, that I didn't give over my responsibility to strangers to teach them life. Let's face it, children learn more than the 3 R's at school. They learn about life, they learn about morals, they learn about lies. If you ask God for help, will he turn you away? If you honor God by raising your children at home, as he intended, will he not guide and strengthen you to do so? Put fear aside and stand up for what is good and right.

Of blessings and other things

While contemplating speaking to a friend about something a thought came to mind. Is it wrong to ask God for a specific blessing? There are several things that the Bible calls blessings, such as meekness, mercy, children, wisdom, etc. Is it wrong to ask for such things as these? Why would it be? And yet we often think we can obtain these things through our own power and will. Can we even breath without God's grace, without him giving us the blessing of health? I have watched several people die in my lifetime, actually been there as they drew their last breath. It gives me pause to watch such a sacred moment. No matter what anyone does, there is a time when every man draws his last breath. Are we really foolish enough to think we have any control over that? Am I foolish enough to think that I have any promise as to the length of my life? In that vein, am I foolish enough to think that if I have no power to save my life, have I power to make it a worthwhile life? Isn't it really all about giving glory to God? Of course it is. If my life is to give God glory in everything than I need His help and I need him to bless me. Even Jacob wrestled with God for a blessing. I am wrestling with God for a very specific blessing. Should I let go without it? That I can not answer, even as I weep.