Wonderings...

I am sorting through a few things and so I will wonder "out loud" on my blog.

How do you heal a broken relationship with someone you've never been close to and probably never will be close to because you are so different?
How do you, or should you, defend yourself when wrongly accused?
When I missed the rules, how do I keep a good witness?
When an apology is met with more hurtful words, how far should I go? Or do I let it go knowing that the next step is theirs?
How can you change your place in a group dynamic that is over 30 years old?
How do you let someone you love know that their behavior is sinful, or destructive, or hurtful, or mean?
How do you let someone over you know their behavior is hurtful, destructive or mean?
How do you make someone understand that you really do care about them and want better for their life without it sounding judgemental?
How do you learn to care more about someone who cares less?
Do you apologize for something you never did even if people think you did?

God is the answer to a lot of these questions. I wish his answers were more clear though. I wish life were a little more fair. I wish truth was aways provable, not he said, she said. I pray God helps me be the bigger person no matter what the hurt is, after all, I hurt his son and he still loves me without condition.

A day in my life

I thought it would be interesting to share how I handle a day on 4 hours of sleep. This happens to me periodically and is an amazing testament to God's strength in my life.

4:30am-I am home from work and go right to bed. I don't really remember getting in bed as I fell asleep so quickly.

7:13am-My husband wakes me enough to say goodbye and make me take out my ear plugs so I can hear the kids when they get up. Unfortunately he lets the cat in. This is usually alright except that Mortymer wanted to lick me and not settle down to sleep.

8:30am-The first cries of children are heard. They are calling for Daddy, does this mean I don't have to get them until he gets home from work? I began praying in earnest for strength and patience to operate on such little sleep and not make the kids suffer for it.

8:40am-I finish my pleas to God as both children are calling for Daddy (he is usually home to get them up). There is also talk about poopy going on up there. That means I better hurry.

8:50am-I have assisted both children with their morning constitution, so to say, and we head down stairs for breakfast. The kids are fighting over who gets to turn the light off.

10:52-We have gotten dressed without the usually fighting over hair brushing, the first miracle of the day. We have also watched a short video while I rested on the couch. The children were quiet and began playing together after the video was over. They are getting along well which is my second miracle of the day. I however, am praying for some surge of energy to accomplish some task, so I start writing this entry.

Devotional aside: The sermons at church lately have been about the work and ministry we do in our lives. They have been very applicable, helpful and challenging. One point I have taken from them is to remember that I am working for the Lord and not men. It is so easy to get caught up in the positive and negative feedback from peers and supervisors. Although my performance needs to meet certain levels, if I remember that it is the Lord I am serving, I will not only perform better but will enjoy my work much more. The discouragement from critics will fall away. This also serves to remind me that my witness is at stake. Which brings in another verse from Isaiah 30:15. I have thought on this one at other times in my life. "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength." If I am quiet and trust in the Lord I will have the strength to keep working and serving.

11:10am-I have only been interpreted a dozen times which I think is pretty good. Luke wants to go "uppie stairs", I think he may be getting hungry.

11:45-While Luke eats his grapes, I putter around cleaning the living room and such. I notice that I am having a hard time concentrating on any one thing. Could it be the lack of sleep?

1:00pm-The kids and I look at the scrapbook from 2006. Luke laughs at all of the pictures of himself. I tear up a little at the pictures of him after his surgeries. Another miracle, my precious little boy.

2:00pm-I'm done, I have put Luke down for a nap and Hannah is watching The Muppet Caper. I retreat to my bed that has been calling my name all day. John will be home in a few minutes anyway.

3:50pm-Ack!!!! I wake with a start. I have one hour to get ready to take Hannah to gymnastics and I haven't showered yet today.

4:00pm-Shower done, drying off-BIG PROBLEM. My lovely husband washed the towels yesterday and they are still in the dryer. I thought of this earlier but forgot when I woke up in my rush to get ready. I stomp on the tub floor hoping he will hear me down stairs and bring me a towel. Finally, I walk across the bathroom dripping on the floor to the linen closet hoping to find an old towel or something and there is nothing but a hand towel. Enter Hannah, "What are you doing Mommy?" I reply, "Go tell Daddy to bring me a towel!" My husband is nothing if not efficient.

4:50pm-Running out the door for gymnastics, I made it

6:00pm-Got through a nice gymnastics class with Hannah and John had dinner waiting when I got home. I guess that means he redeemed himself for the towel thing.

6:42pm-I ponder over dinner at how well the kids and I have done today, especially considering my tiredness. I ask Hannah to help clean up the dishes to which she says, "I didn't make this mess." Enter first mommy lecture of the day (surprisingly much later in the day than earlier anticipated), "Did you eat dinner, do you live here, don't I clean up your messes, blah, blah , blah...." All you mothers know what the lecture is. It was effect though and I even got her to pick up a few other things.

11:33pm-The rest of the evening went well. Hannah and I finally got to her school work after dinner and then Luke and I played with blocks for quite some time. Then it was the tackle Mommy game which makes parenting on 4 hours sleep worth every minute. I remember a little more of the sermons that have stuck with me. There are times in life when everything seem to be opposing us. When quiting feels like the best option. One thing the Bible teaches over and over though is that God has a sovereign plan and all the opposition in the world can't change that. Isaiah reminds us that God will keep us in perfect peace if our minds are steadfast because we love Him. Maybe this day is only interesting to me but the fact that I have this or any day, is quite a miracle.

P.S. The rest of the towels are still in the dryer.

On married life and motherhood...

Here are 2 more thoughts about my day. First of all I would like to brag on my husband. At work I hear a lot of complaining about husbands. Many women are getting divorced. I'll be the first to say that my husband isn't perfect however, neither am I. If he can put up with my flaws, I can put up with his. You know it is the heart that we really need to look at, so ladies, remember that we all have a lot of changing to do and we need to get the plank out of our own eye before worrying about the speck in our husband's (Matthew 7:3-5).

That said, my dh is wonderful. I could list all of the little things that he does that makes my life nice but I could sum it up better by saying this: he is great because he puts my needs ahead of his own, he honors me and he loves God most of all. I am striving to do the same for him and because of that I have a great marriage.

There are my thoughts about married life, here are my thoughts about motherhood. My friend sent an e mail story about a mother who was feeling totally unappreciated and unnoticed by her family. At the end though she was reminded that motherhood is a sacrificial work of God. It is not easy being a mother. Other than the occasional hug and burnt mother's day breakfast in bed, we get very little applause. Honestly however, there is really no greater compliment God can give you than to bless you with children. He is telling you through them, that He thinks you have something valuable to pass on to his next generation. Our children are on loan from God, and if no one else sees the fruit of our labor, God does. Remember that we are storing up treasures in heaven, where moth and rust cannot destroy (Matthew 6:19ff). Don't be discouraged, just keep praying and giving. You are building God's kingdom and there is no greater work.

Devotional thoughts

It has been a crazy week with several of us out of sorts with different ailments and injuries. I missed a few days of work and although it was nice to be off, I would have rather not be sick. In my devotional time yesterday morning, I was reading and praying about abiding in Christ. It is hard to know sometimes what that looks like on a minute by minute basis. One of my favorite verses is from Isaiah and talks about how God will keep us in perfect peace if our mind is steadfast. How do I keep my mind steadfast on Christ? Further more, if the joy of the Lord is my strength, what exactly is the joy of the Lord?

Well, I pondered some of these things yesterday and this is some of what I came up with. For me, the joy of the Lord is the work he has done in my life to save me from myself. Why can't I remember the great sacrifice he made? When I dwell on this for even a few minutes it gives me great joy, joy I wish I was better at carrying through my day. It's that joy that will unable me to be a witness to others. This world and it's trouble are really so fleeting, so unimportant compared with the saving grace of Christ and the eternity I will spend with him.

As for keeping my mind steadfast, I really just need to remember to pray without ceasing. I try to pick a verse or phrase from the Bible to keep in my mind all day. Yesterday, it was about the joy of the Lord. A life of constant abiding is my goal. It's a goal I probably won't obtain this side of heaven, but one worth reaching for. When my thoughts and heart are so filled with Christ, there will be no room for worry, despair, complaining or frustration.

Time is ticking

In church this past Sunday, our ministered talked about time. He had two main points. The first is that we have forever. Life goes on beyond today and way beyond death. Our perspective needs to reflect that. There is so much more than this life on earth which is literally a blink of an eye.

The second point was this, no matter that we have all eternity, God called us for now. Now is the time to call upon the Lord. Now is the time for me to be obedient. This really struck me. I put off working on bad habits because I don't like to work that hard. In the Bible a young man told Jesus he would follow him where ever he went but then asked to go home and bury his father first. Jesus told him to follow right away and let dead bury their own. There is an urgency throughout the New Testament to follow God with our whole heart and to do it now. What am I holding onto that is keeping me from following God completely? What am I trying to drag into eternity? Where do I need obedience in my life?

I think that some of my trials lately are about learning a little more discipline and obedience. I need to be quiet. I love to be heard and have my opinions heard. I think that God would like me to shut up for a little while and talk to him more than anyone else. I'm going to work on that for a while. Pray for me.

Failures of a princess

If you look at the time this post was written, you can see that it is the wee hours of the morn. I am just home from work with a heavy heart. I spent some time in the bosses office, so to say. All the details not withstanding, the point of it all is this, I am not who I want to be.

The Bible tells me that I am a child of the king, a princess. I am striving to have the worth of rubies. Right now I feel like a failure at everything. I try really hard!!! I fail a lot. It's hard juggling work and home life. I don't get to spend the time with the kids I want. I'm not the wife and mother I dreamed of being. I have far less patience than I should. I frustrate easily. I used to think that at work I handled things pretty well. Lately several issues have called me to reevaluate my thinking. God is growing me at work, I can't say I like it.

I feel defeated, satan wants me to think that no matter how hard I try I will never be more like Christ. I look back and know that is not the truth. I am growing to be more like Christ. Right now though, I want to quit. Why can't I learn to fly into the arms of Jesus with my feelings, my frustration, and leave it go? I spew forth a lot when I get upset and leave a path of destruction. That is not what happened at work but I'm feeling all of my failures now.

Okay girl, pull yourself together. All the way home I rehearsed my issues, my problems and weaknesses, it's time to give it over.

I confess God that I don't make good decisions, I don't keep my mouth shut like I should. I love my family, and I really love the people I work with. I need your help to love my job because the stress is awful and I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle for honesty and accountability. God, grant me strength and wisdom to know when to act and speak and when to leave it at your feet. Help me to forgive the hurts I'm nursing, especially the one against myself. Give me focus to pour love into people and blind me to the small faults in all of us that don't really matter. I want to be a good example of your love. Forgive me for failing you lately. Thank you for giving me the strength to be honest tonight even though others weren't and I came out looking bad.

"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14.

God you love me where I am, and thankfully, you also love me to much to leave me there.

Temper tantrums

We went to Wal-mart tonight. We've all been out to the store and witnessed a small child having a complete meltdown in the aisle. This is usually due to the fact that the child is overtired, ignored, or has not been briefed properly for the outing (no, I'm not buying you anything, no you can't have that candy, don't sit in the middle of the aisle, etc.).

Tonight, a member of my family suffered a meltdown at the Wal-mart. There, in the dry food section, one member of my precious family had had enough. They were tired, annoyed, sick of people not listening, sick (which didn't help anything) and just plain over done. Surprisingly enough, the temper tantrum was mine. I lost it, not completely, but I did. A few tears were shed and I made an impassioned speech (quietly) to my family. Then we finish up and went home.
Did my tantrum help? A little, sometime I feel the need to make sure I'm heard. Probably everyone feels that way sometimes. It did not however, help my already stuffy nose. It did not set a good example to my children of how to handle one's self when stressed out. And it did not ease my frustration. What it did was cause me to think.

To those who know me well, you know I am inclined to these little moments. I cannot say that I am always in full control of my emotions. This is something I have struggled with my whole life and lately have been trying to gain more control over. I was at a conference last spring and one of the speakers said something that is changing this part of my life. She said that we all have a will to overcome our emotions. Somehow I had never thought of that. I always felt that my emotions were bad, that I had to change them. But really, my feelings are mine and God created me to feel them, to be passionate. What I need to work on is not letting my emotions control me or dictate how I act towards myself and others. I can call on the name of God to rise up above what I am feeling (emotionally or physically) and he meets me there. My emotions don't change, but I lay them at His feet to take care of and walk away with His strength to do what I need to be doing.

I had let this all slip my mind lately and the result was my melt down. (I did get a few looks from other shoppers.) My weekend at work was challenging, more so because I didn't remember this. How I wish that I could see Jesus walking with me. I so easily forget his presence, he is so patient to remind me. At work last night, while having just been in a difficult meeting, I went out to take care of my patients. As I tended to this man, who was mostly unaware of his surroundings and had been restless all night, I began to hum the song 'Great is Thy Faithfulness'. God gave me that song to calm and refocus me, even when I was to stubborn to ask for help. I sang a little to my patient and tucked him in.

He slept soundly all night.

"Great is Thy faithfulness, Oh God my father. There is no shadow of turning with Thee. Thou changest not, Thy compassion's they fail not. Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside. Great is Thy faithfulness, great is Thy faithfulness. Morning by morning new mercies I see. All I have needed Thy hand hath provided. Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord onto me.

More about me

I am many things. I'm sitting here wondering where to start. Most importantly I am a child of God. My life hinges on this one thing. Without God I would be complete lost and, I am convinced, in a mental hospital. The hope I have from Christ grounds me as nothing else could.

I am a wife. I'm sure I will write more on that in the future. Being a wife is harder than I thought in some ways, and yet easier than other things I am or do. I have a wonderful husband which helps. He is kind, generous, patient to the end degree, helpful and handsome. He is not perfect but the one thing that makes our marriage great is this; he is committed to doing whatever it takes to be a better husband and father. He will never say that he doesn't need to change. He always listens to my frustrations and tries to adjust accordingly. He pushes me to be a better wife. I need to be all I can be for him, willing to adapt and be molded by God for this calling.

Motherhood...I am tired as are all mothers. My children are amazing and at the same time completely exasperating. I'm sure most mothers feel this way. Everyday my kids develop into more of their own little selves. Their skills and thoughts amaze me. The most amazing thing to me is how much I fail them and yet how much they love me.

I am a registered critical care nurse. I have always wanted to be one and can't imagine being anything else. I am passionate about saving lives. Of all the things that compose me, this is perhaps the one that I think of most often to describe me the best. When someone asks about me, I say this first. I am proud of what I do. Work is emotionally draining though. I work full time as we have decided to let my husband be home most times with the children. It just works out best for us that way. I never thought I would be working full time at this point in my life. Funny how God takes us down his own roads. Many people we know have a hard time with this, why my husband isn't the bread winner. The strange thing is, neither of us have a problem with it. I can't say we planned it but I know in my heart that God did. He knows my skills and gifts, even when I don't. He knows that this is the time for me to work. I have come to rest in that and want to stop being pushed by others to have him work all the time and me stay home. I know we would both be miserable. I can't explain all the whys, it just is.

Well, I've said a lot and nothing all at the same time. I love how writing clears the mind, this might be good for me after all.

A place to start...

This blog, I hope, will become a place to sort out who I am as a person at this time. The business of children and life have pulled me away from myself. I was asked today in my devotional book what my gifts are. I don't think I know anymore, that made me sad. How can I be working for God's kingdom when I can't even figure out what gifts he has given me. What are my dreams and goals?
I have never been one to stick with journals for long, don't know why I think this one will be different. I don't often get a lot of time on the computer but I want to try. Maybe it will be a way to deepen some relationships with my family as I share this with them. Maybe it will be a way to pray.
A place to start...